You don't dare to ask the question whether you are actually dating - because by asking it, everything can disappear.
If this sounds familiar, you may be stuck in what's known as situationship [a combination of the English words situation and relationship], the grey area between friendship and relationship.
Rather, for the younger
Situationship differs from the form known as "friends with benefits" in that its participants spend time together outside of bed. It has both an emotional and physical dimension, but lacks clear naming and direction.
As a woman in her early thirties, I can say that it is a phenomenon that is particularly characteristic of millennials and Generation Z.
Among my older friends who are not married, such an insecure bond is a rarity. If they have already started dating someone, they usually want to be clear that they are in a relationship.
To the question why such cohabitation is preferred especially by people born after 1980, psychologist Ivana Čergetova gives a simple answer. "Because they were brought up by a generation that stressed to them that freedom and success are important to be happy. Practically speaking, we are talking about a generation raised by Generation X living under socialism, unfreedom and economic insecurity," she explains.
A reverse concept
Situationship is not time-limited, but remains just as non-committal months or years later. It is extremely pragmatic - dating and sex are certain, sometimes with joint activities or outings added.
How long it will last, no one knows. Sociologist Elizabeth Armstrong explains that "the concept of situationship is at odds with the notion that being with someone who isn't going anywhere is a waste of time."
And therein lies its greatest vulnerability.
Dopamine chaos
The key is to not redefine the relationship and not push the saw. However, as it happens, almost always one of the couple feels "something more". They're just afraid to admit it, lest the other party end the encounter.
"Silence is one person's comfort, the other's anxiety. Situationship works on intensity but falls down on having no agreement and anchoring emotional intimacy. That's not love. That's dopamine chaos," is how Chergetova describes the emotional asymmetry.
The brain is exposed to unpredictable "rewards" in such situations. One moment comes closeness, another silence, which increases craving and addictive behavior - similar to gambling.
In practice, this manifests itself in constant thinking about the other person, increased anxiety, emotional fluctuations and a strong need for reassurance. Because you don't know how long the pause will last and whether it is definitive.
If you don't hear from your real partner during the day, you don't need to stress because in the evening you will most likely meet or at least call each other to discuss the day. There are only two options: you know why he didn't have time, or he will make it clear to you. In an "early relationship", the other party owes you no explanation.
A healthy relationship is characterized by certainty and open communication. Situationship brings inner turmoil and chaos, which is exhausting for the psyche and nervous system in the long run.
The repercussions will manifest themselves
Psychologist Andrea Fejova says that functioning in situationships can have significant impacts on self-esteem, self-worth and experiencing trust in relationships, especially in more sensitive individuals.
"These experiences can leave lasting marks that affect one's ability to trust in future relationships and can manifest in other areas of one's life," she notes.
That's why it's important to examine your inner self and, if you're craving full attention, honesty and reassurance, to raise the question of "how we're doing." In this type of "early relationship," the greatest suffering is not to lose it, but to prolong the period within which you have unmet needs.
You are missing out on time that you could be spending in a relationship - a real relationship, that is.